Do not
by Girl stuck in a book
Summary: a list and another list of things that you shouldn't do at Hogwarts, so basically everything I would do in my first week there, it started off as 25 but I got bored
1. 1-25

1) Do not ask Professor Sprout if you could grow Weed for extra credit.

2) Do not poison Professor Snape with foxglove to see if a Bezoar works on muggle poisons.

3) Do not play the Batman theme song everytime Professor Snape what's into the room

4) Do not dangle a ball of yarn in front of Professor Mcgonagall when she's in her animagus form

5) Do not show Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they're real animals

6) Do not invite the giant squid to be your date for the yule ball

7) Do not spike Professor Dumbledore's lemon drops with firewhiskey

8) Do not paint a mural of a full moon in Professor Lupin's class and ask him if he has an urge to howl at it

9) Do not give Professor Mcgonagall a bottle of catnip wine for Christmas

10) Do not ask Harry Potter if he has water powers because he looks like Percy Jackson

11) Do not ask Professor Umbridge if she had plastic surgery because she was born a toad

12) Do not ask Professor Umbridge if she has a cat fetish and the arguments between her and Professor Mcgonagall are caused by Sexual tension

13) Do not send Professor Mcgonagall a cat collar with a name plate reading 'Professor Kitty'

14) Do not send Professor Snape grease cleaner with a note that reads 'For your hair' for Christmas

15) Do not ask Nearly Headless Nick if he saw which direction the ghostbusters went

16) Do not ask Professor Flitwick why his house's symbol is an eagle instead of a raven

17) Do not call Professor Lockhart Blondie

18) Do not play the song Ways to be wicked every time the Weasley twins enter the room

19) Do not charm to the great hall to rain lemondrops on Professor Dumbledore

20) Do not jinx all the Slytherin students hair Gryffindor red and gold

21) Do not spell the house elves blue and call them smurfs

22) Do not ask the muggleborns if they believe that having magic is a sin

23) Do not ask Hermione Granger where werewolves come from and how they started, she will go crazy trying to find the awnser

24) Do not ask Professor Lupin to bite you, he will not think it's funny

25) Do not ask Professor Trelawney if she's dating Firenze the centaur.


	2. 26-50

26) Do not tell Professor Trelawney that you saw a grim in her teacup

27) Do not call Professor Lupin, Professor Wolfy

28) Do not call Professor Snape, Batman

29) Do not call Professor Dumbledore Santa or give him your Christmas Wishlist

30) Do not ask Professor Sprout if Hufflepuff is a brand of Marshmallows

31) Do not ask Draco Malfoy if he's part Veela in less you want a lecture about the history and importance of Purebloods

32) Do not start a food fight in the great hall

33) Do not ask Professor Snape what he thinks Harry would look like if Lily Evans married him

34) Do not ask Harry Potter what he thinks he would look like if Snape was his father

35) Do not ask Moaning Myrtle if she was on her period when she died

36) Do not bring a science textbook to potions class

37) Do not ask Professor Dumbledore if he's related to Gandalf

38) Do not try to bring back the Marauders

39) Do not charm Professor Snape's robes pink

40) Do not braid Professor Dumbledore's hair into his beard

41) Do not curse Draco Malfoy to look like Ron Weasley then follow him around bemoaning how poor he is

42) Do not get Luna Lovegood to ask Hagrid if he knows where to find a crumple horned snorkack in less you want to lose a insane ravenclaw and your care of magical creatures teacher

43) Do not call Professor Trelawney, Bug eyes

44) Do not ask Draco Malfoy how much gel he uses in his hair

45) Do not get the first years to sing 'The song that never ends'

46) Do not ask Professor Snape if he keeps his hair greasy to protect his reputation of an Evil dungeon bat

47) Do not ask why the boys need to wear dresses everyday (Because really robes look remarkably like dresses)

48) Do not demand to join the Harry Potter fan club in front of Harry Potter

49) Do not demand Draco Malfoy join the Harry Potter club in front of Harry Potter and/or Draco Malfoy

50) Do not ask Harry Potter and/or Draco Malfoy if their rivalry is caused by UST


	3. 51-75

51) Do not send Professor Umbridge a picture of a bunch of toes and an invitation to the toad family reunion

52) Do not ask Professor Snape if he's a vampire

53) Do not call Hogwarts a zoo then explain that Malfoy is a ferret, Mcgonagall is a cat, Snape is a bat, Lupin is a wolf, Umbridge is a toad and Dumbledore is a goat.

54) Do not ask Ron Weasley that if he looks like Archie does that make Malfoy, Betty and Harry Potter, Veronica.

55) Do not call Harry Green eyes, Ron carrot top and/or Hermione Bookworm

56) Do not give Peeves axcess to dungbombs and a pranking for all ages books

57) Do not ask Professor Snape to take you to a death eater party with him

58) Do not send Professor Mcgonagall cat toys for Christmas

59) Do not send Professor Lupin dog toys for his birthday

60) Do not ask why the name of the school basically means Pig Pimples

61) Do not go down to breakfast in skinny jeans and a t-shirt with the slogan 'I'm a bitch of a witch' on it

62) Do not ask Draco Malfoy who dyes his hair for him (Because that blonde ain't natural)

63) Do not ask Draco Malfoy for lessons on 'How to be a Snob'

64) Do not turn the Slytherins into snakes, the Ravenclaws into eagles, The Hufflepuffs into badgers and the Gryffindors into Lion cubs

65) Do not use a permanent sticking charm to put all the desks and and chairs in the classrooms on the ceiling

66) Do not try to explain to the Purebloods why you should use pens and paper instead of quills and ink

67) Do not suggest a greek mythology book as the new history of magic textbook

68) Do not try to convince muggle borns that Walt Disney was a wizard and that all of his movies come from experience

69) Do not ask Hermione Granger why she won't listen to the house elves when they tell her they don't want to be free

70) Do not give Professor Dumbledore fuschia shoes with periwinkle stripes and compel him to wear them

71) Do not hand out Marshmallows to the the Hufflepuffs and invite them to the Hufflepuff!Marshmallow!Brand! family reunion

72) Do not Bribe Dobby to turn all the staircases into slides

73) Do not spell Professor Lockhart's Robes to turn into a blue ball gown every time he mentions fame

74) Do not curse first years to speak in sonnets

75) Do not bribe the first and second years to steal all the Professor's shoes


	4. 76-100

76) Do not play the song 'Everyday Superhero' every time Harry Potter enters the room

77) Do not ask Professor Mcgonagall if she believes in muggle horoscopes

78) Do not all Slytherin students robes into snake skins and demand they 'join their brethen'

79) Do not under any circumstances ask Professor Lupin if he has PMS because he has a remarkably bad mood and pains once a month

80) Do not ask Professor Dumbledore if Voldemort reminds him of a teenage girl because he has a) a diary b) a tiara c) a favourite cup d) a pet he adores and e) an obsession with a famous teenaged boy

81) Do not steal a Ravenclaw's books

82) Do not enter the Weasley Twins dormitory

83) Do not cover the first years with pink glitter

84) Do not call Cedric Diggory, Edward Cullen

85) Do not call the Purebloods Sheep or charm them to sing Baa baa black sheep

86) Do not ask Luna Lovegood if it's true that her hair is made of moonlight in front of the other Ravenclwas

87) Do not release a herd of unicorns in the great hall

88) Do not stick Professor Snape to the ceiling of the great hall

89) Do not ask Hufflepuffs if they hoard honey because their mascot is a honey badger

90) Do not suggest to Hermione Granger that's she losing more of her logic every month she spend in the wizarding world

91) Do not ask Draco Malfoy what he thinks of the rumor that's he the product of his mother having an affair with Severus Snape\

92) Do not have students sign a petition to 'get Severus Snape to wash his hair'

93) Do not dye Professor Dumbledore's hair and beard rainbow and hex him to speak like a hippy

94) Do not bring a latin dictionary to class to translate what the spells mean

95) Do not try to create spells using an english to latin dictionnary

96) Do not let garden snakes loose in the Slytherin common room

97) Do not ask Professor Snape if the reason that he hates Harry Potter because he had UST with his mother and now with him

98) Do not form a list of all the people in Hogwarts that have crushes on Harry and/or form Harry a Harem

99) Do not ask Professor Mcgonagall if her and Professor Dumbledore are fuck buddies

100) Do not shrink the house tables and hide them in Professor Flitwick's room


	5. 101-125

101) Do not attempt to transfigure Professor Dumbledore into a goat

102) Do not change the end of years flags rainbow with the slogan 'LGBT Pride'

103) Do not Spell the house banners to read'' Gryffindor: The house that seems to win ever since Harry Potter got here because why the fuck not, Slytherin: The only house that Professor Snape tolerates because he's a bullying git who hates everyone, but favours the death eater babies, Ravenclaws: You do not want to see what would happen if you damage one of their books in front of them, because damn girl they can be bitches and Hufflepuff: Is this a brand of marshmallows or pillows or anything

104) Do not in any circumstances ask Luna Lovegood for directions in less you want to find something strange

105) Do not photograph Hermione punching Malfoy and sell it on posters and coffee mugs

106) Do not nickname the first years Slytherin 'Tiny death eater snake babies'

107) Do not ask Ginny Weasley if it's true that redheads don't have souls

108) Do not ask Neville Longbottom to help poison death eaters with magical plants

109) Do not go down to breakfast dressed all in black, announce that you are Professor Snape's new apprentice and practice sneering at the Hufflepuffs

110) Do not declare Harry Potter an honorary member of the international league of heroes

111) Do not ask Professor Mcgonagall if the reason she has her students transfigure so many animals is because of UST between her and them

112) Do not shrink and steal the doors to the great hall

113) Do not call Professor Flitwick Yoda, bow to him , or ask about the force

114) Do not ask Luna Lovegood if dinosaurs are real, she will take it as a challenge to find them

115) Do not sprinkle sleeping powder through all the food in all the food in the great hall via the house elves

116) Do not spell everyone's soap to smell like the thing they hate the most

117) Do not ask Purebloods if Gargamel was real

118) Do not start a petition to 'Award Draco Malfoy the villain of the year award'

119) Do not steal Professor Dumbledore's socks

120) Do not refer to all redheads as Weasleys unless you are sure that they are in fact Weasleys

121) Do not ask Draco Malfoy if he's gay

122) Do not ask Draco Malfoy is he thinks inbreeding lowers the I.Q.

123) Do not call all the purebloods villainous sheep

124) Do not ask Hermione Granger why her two best friends are a moody teenager with a hero complex and a jealous idiot

125) Do not call Professor Snape, Professor Snivellus Snake


	6. 126-150

126) Do not pay Colin Creevey to follow Harry Potter and take pictures of everything he does.

127) Do not sing "We're off to see the wizard" every time you are sent to a Professor's office.

128) Do not ask Professor Lupin if he ever had an affair with Sirius Black.

129) Do not spike the morning pumpkin juice with pumpkin beer and watch everyone get drunk.

130) Do not allow the weasley twins around paint.

131) Do not transfigure Draco Malfoy's robes into a dress and ask him "if he's trying to tell them something."

132) Do not use Polyjuice to turn Harry Potter into Severus Snape or vise versa.

133) Do not Professor Flitwick sparkly stilts for his birthday and charm them to follow him everywhere singing 'Oh it's so hard to be little'

134) Do not dye the post owl's feathers the house colors

135) Do not send Professor Snape a teddy bat for his birthday

136) Do not send all the Hufflepuffs marshmallows and if/when they the start eating them scream that 'They're eating their brothers'

137) Do not spell Professor Snape so that everything he touches showers skittles.

138) Do not cover Professor Flitwick's room in shrinking powder so that "everything is just the right size for him'

139) Do not call the Thestrals ponies or insist to ride them

140) Do not call Professor Dumbledore Grandpa or Professor Mcgonagall Grandma

141) Do not attempt to record Percy Weasley singing in the shower

142) Do not attempt to have an eating contest with Ronald Weasley

143) Do not replace the Quidditch teams brooms with mops

144) Do not make t-shirts with the slogan 'I'm a junior death eater' and force the Slytherins to wear them

145) Do not attempt to read the future in Hermione Granger's morning tea

146) Do not attach Draco Malfoy to Harry Potter with a permanent sticking charm

147) Do not ask Harry Potter for his autograph

148) Do not ask Professor Snape for his autograph

149) Do not host a house elf rebellion against Hermione Granger

150) Do not switch everyone's house robes and house tables so that Slytherins become Gryffindors, Gryffindors become Hufflepuffs, Hufflepuffs become Ravenclaws and Ravenclaws become Slytherins


End file.
